Dear Mark

Dear Mark (aka, abby, whose going to give me awesome advice, about my BIG BIG dilemma),
My dorm is out of TP, not just my room, but the entire hall. I really have to go to the bathroom, (Just number one, though) i really can't take the emotional stress anymore...what should i do?

Sincerely, Charmin-less in the Cities


Dear Charmin-less,

While this has never happened to me personally, I can imagine that you are under some great emotional distress right now. Before I go any further, I would just like to point out that if you were a guy, you wouldn't have this problem. Just another reason why I like being a guy.

Anyway, my advice is to go around to your neighbors and see if anyone has a copy of "Rolling Stone" you could use. The pages are already covered with filth, so it wouldn't change anything, the pages are extra-large, and have a semi-soft cushiony feel to them. If all of your freinds are smart and do not have a subscription to this, then I would say the best alternatives are either tissues, paper towels, or notebook paper, in that order. Just make sure that you don't clog the toilet with anything that doesn't break up easily in water. (In that case, don't use the super-strong paper towels, cause they make money by not breaking up in water.)

If you are still having problems, then you are obviously not trying hard enough, because you should have ready access to one of the options above.

Your blog wisdom giver-outer,
Mark